4th of May, 2009

I lived this life as long as I have, trying to make sense of it all, trying to make something of each day, learning to live. I was doing pretty well, evolving, changing, growing – becoming more each day. I was riding a wave, I was on a high. I smiled because I knew I had never been this far up before.

Then you came along, and we were searing through the clouds. And when I look back at those days, the days before I met you, they all seem faded and dim. And I know now that you brought colour in my life, that two hearts are better than one, and that people were never meant to make it alone.

In the beginning I was surprised. Surprised at myself, for the way I kept running back to you in my heart, where you had made a cosy room. You made it yours, and decorated it with all those little things that make you, you. And it was there, in my chest, that I had a piece of you I could run to whenever the world would seem bad or colours would dry and fall into little crumbles of paint.

Then I began to see how I was so much more with you than I was alone. I always tried to see beauty in the world around me, to see the unseen, fleeting moments – capture them, make them a part of me. But now the world is drenched in beauty and everywhere I look I seem to find magic. I feel like it’s raining with miracles around me, and I’m about to burst with light. I used to write, from time to time. I was doing pretty well. Now I have you to share my thoughts with, and, suddenly, all those unanswered questions don’t seem as daunting. And paper and ink no longer feels like a veil between my emotions and the rest of the world. Now you are with me on this side, looking out, holding my hand.

I never loved before and I’m scared because it seems I forever shed my shell, never to find it again. I broke out and I reached for you. And you were there, and you shielded me from the biting wind and the harsh cold. Tonight I live with you, through you, and I could never live without you again. In your arms I feel safe, in your eyes I see the world – more dazzling than it could ever become. I don’t need anything.

Now I took the plunge. I let go. Never before had I felt this way – I’m flying, untied, flying, in love. You have me like no one will have me again. Untouched, unhurt. And if our love should end, if you should break my heart – I shall fall, shot, to the ground, and I shall shatter. It feels now like I would die, just then. But I won’t. And those words – “broken heart” – will then mean something else to me, and I will know them, like all lovers do. How long will it be before I step again into the world? How long before I join them, the scarred ones that seem so far away now.

Please don’t ever leave me. You are the first. You are the one. And if you should ever stay, I would never die, nor cheat, nor lie. I will stand by your side, like tonight, and watch you sleep, and smile. I would touch your hair and see your lips curl. And you would slip back into your dreams. I would hear your breath and I smell you next to me. I could watch you sleep forever.

It is so much more than I thought. It feels right, it feels complete. Like my entire life up to now was meant to lead me to you. If I was to have nothing else on this earth, I would be happy, I would be grateful, just for this. For a moment with you – loving you, you, loving me – I would surrender it all.

The moment I realised I loved you – not like you, but love you – that was the moment when everything changed. You said something, and you were looking at me. Your lips were parted and your eyes glittered, and you couldn’t understand why I was staring at you like that. And my mind was blank, but for this one thought. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else mattered since.

I’m not in it for the physical relief. I never was. It is so much more than dirt and instinct and I can’t bring myself to slam it into the mud. But touch – touch carries love. When I first shook your hand I was too nervous to feel it. But the time I touched your hand, just for that – to feel your skin under my fingertips – that sent shivers down my spine.

Our first kiss. My first kiss. Indeed, unique, unforgettable. Shy, hesitant, slow. It had my heart beating out of my chest, my head filled with thoughts and emotions. My hands would have been trembling, were they not around you. Then our lips touched and I never knew lips could be so soft.

Then I understood what loving is. What a kiss is, and how it can express more than words, much more than words ever could. Such a feeling, one that changes the entire world, and us – such a feeling permeates through every pore of our skin. It consumes us, and we do whatever we can to contain it, and share it with each other. If I could melt into you, I would. If we could become one, we would. And we do the closest thing to that humanly possible.

Tonight we made love. And I love you even more. I lost myself into you, and I don’t care because it’s the best place to be lost into. I loved you as best I could and you gave me all you had and emotion was making us glow and I never knew whether I was alive anymore. Love seeping through every touch, whispers and kisses, eyes that meet and share the world, before they close again. This bed was our altar and these walls would have wept, had they tears. And all that bound us to this world was shattered and we drifted to a place that was a dream neither of us could have dreamt alone. You gave me heaven and eternity and now I can’t take my eyes off you.

I wish I could bring myself to wake you. I wish I was in your dreams. I wish the morning never came. I wish... I’m happy here... I love you!